Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
| Free Hugs video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4  I Was A Cutter **WARNING- GRAPHIC IMAGES** http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjTtE3ECVmE&feature=related | |||||||
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| Dedicated to the cutters in the world that would rather feel the physical pain than the emotional pain. (that's how I see it, others see it differently) When I was working at META Services there was 100% abuse in the people I visited. Many of us had weight problems as well but all were abused and most were cutters; men included. ...cal http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-harm Excerpt:
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Excerpt:
Videos posted online that feature self-injury are popular viewing among young adults and possibly teens -- and some researchers worry that this may encourage copycat behaviors.
A study conducted using YouTube's search option entering the keywords "self-injury" and "self-harm," found that the 100 most frequently-viewed videos received more than 2.3 million views -- and often contained graphic depictions of cutting, burning, and self-embedding, according to Stephen Lewis, PhD, of the University of Guelph in Ontario, and colleagues.
Most of the videos did not have warnings about the content or viewing restrictions, Lewis and co-authors reported online ahead of the March issue of Pediatrics.
Pink (P!nk) - Fuckin' Perfect (Music Video) HQ [2011 *NEW*]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4Rax2PXiWA
Ashley Judd on 'The View' I was sexually abused
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0s3XH3Okvk
Cher You Haven't Seen the Last of Me youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJgg695-Mck
Tina Turner and Cher on Oprah Proud Mary
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9_AF80Ecow&feature=related
CCR Creedence Clearwater revival aka the Golliwogs (after the children's literary character, Golliwogg),
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOfHOMpU4iE
Cyndi Lauper - True Color s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS53zuf_X10
Cyndi Lauper Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UB9Yx_qa5s&feature=related
Cyndi Lauper Time after Time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1VlRqeTkE0&feature=related
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-harm
Excerpt:
Behaviours associated with substance abuse and eating disorders are usually not considered self-harm because the resulting tissue damage is ordinarily an unintentional side effect.[6] However, the boundaries are not always clear-cut and in some cases behaviours that usually fall outside the boundaries of self-harm may indeed represent self-harm if performed with explicit intent to cause tissue damage.[6] Although suicide is not the intention of self-harm, the relationship between self-harm and suicide is complex, as self-harming behaviour may be potentially life-threatening.[7] There is also an increased risk of suicide in individuals who self-harm[4][8] to the extent that self-harm is found in 40–60% of suicides.[9] However, generalising self-harmers to be suicidal is, in the majority of cases, inaccurate.[10][11]
I have a very good friend who has been bulimic for over 40 years. She is addicted to sugar sweetners and has abused diet pills. She had kidney stones early on, cancer in the 90's and a stroke 2 years ago. She's very good at hiding this and goes to great lengths to cover her tracks. She is very beautiful but has had many plastic surgeries. I only wish I could help her but the last time we talked she is convinced she is going to die soon.
Excerpt:
Every person is unique, and any description will be a gross generalization. There are other factors that can sometimes be found in the history of a bulimic sufferer - sometimes there may have been incidences of sexual abuse during childhood, and often, the child was overweight and experienced some of the jeers and teasing that went along with this. The child may have also been "dieting" from a young age.
Due to the shame involved, the bulimic can often be extremely secretive, making it difficult to truly know what is going on. Some of the more obvious symptoms include:
| Crimson | ||
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| Hex triplet | #DC143C | |
| RGBB | (r, g, b) | (220, 20, 60) |
| HSV | (h, s, v) | (348°, 91%, 86[1]%) |
| Source | X11 | |
| B: Normalized to [0–255] (byte) | ||
Crimson is a strong, bright, deep red color. It is originally the color of the dye produced from a scale insect, Kermes vermilio, but the name is now also used as a generic term for those slightly bluish-red colors that are between red and rose; besides crimson itself, these colors include carmine, raspberry, ruddy, ruby, amaranth, and cerise.
Crimson also has a Biblical meaning symbolizing the presence of God and the blood of martyrs. It is the Christian liturgical color for Pentecost and represents atonement and humility
Crimson, the Color of Peace
by Cal 
When we hurt and we cry and the clear liquid tears cannot take away the pain.
The color of Crimson is inviting and it shows the life. When tears NO longer are enough, the color Crimson sometimes leaves a stain that shows the pain.
Crimson, the color of blood
The slow drip, the next slash, the stream, and then the
smell.
Crimson, until it turns dark brown then black on the towel, on the chair, on the rug.
The puddle, and then the stain, grows as it seeps deeply into the material.
It's fascinating watching the life drip drip drip at first then spurt
then it flows steadily.
I care no more to stop it, it continues to drain the life force from
me and I feel faint.
I remember long ago when a bottle of crimson color wine made my head feel light and once or twice, or maybe a hundred times, it made the pain feel less,
at least for a moment or an hour or a day.
Once or twice or was it a thousand times it made the pain worse
and the razor............ more alluring.
I only want the nothingness now. The pain of it all is too much and
the color of crimson seems to fill my every sense. I feel the heart
pulsating crimson.
I feel the weakness, I smell the odor.
Crimson has it's own smell you know.
And I taste the crimson taste in my mouth as I lick my finger. I see the dark dark color of it all around.
I feel the life flowing out of me in a dark red hue. It has it's own feeling as my head lightens, and my thoughts dissolve. (I wonder if the last drop of life is a lighter shade of color, or is it still dark crimson?) I visualize a river of crimson.
I'm awake again now and the wounds cannot be seen.
The bandages cover them.
The white sheets feel soft to the touch and the sterile atmosphere of room makes me wonder where I am.
Underneath the bandages the wounds are no longer laid open. (Now the crimson has turned a boring pink as the gashes are sewn and the surrounding area is only a line with little dots of dark.)
Where am I? How did I get here?
She says I called to say good-bye (Her name is Terri Peace maiden name Terri Cross and she's Pebbles in my story. One of our facilitators at Meta Services was Wilma and she died while Terri and I worked at Meta. She shared with me that I had held the Hope for her when hers was gone. She loved my story and inspired me to write it night after night as she had something wonderful to look forward to. I have 3 children and none of the 3 ever wanted to even read the first few paragraphs.)
as the pain was too much but I don't remember. She says she was on
the phone with me when I passed out.
This photo looks very much like the Pebbles doll I gave Terri when we became friends. She slept with her (even tho she had 3 children of her own. I think I was a stand in mom for her till her mom moved to AZ to live with her. ) ...cal
This photo looks very much like the Pebbles doll I gave Terri when we became friends. She slept with her (even tho she had 3 children of her own. I think I was a stand in mom for her till her mom moved to AZ to live with her. ) ...cal"Why? I asked, "did you call to save me? You knew of my pain, you knew of my ache."
"You called to say good-bye and I wasn't ready for you to leave me. I didn't want to go forward without you. I was selfish. I wanted you here with me to continue teaching and helping me to help myself."
"You loved me when others didn't. You believed in me when others didn't. You held the hope for me when I couldn't hold it for myself.
I want to do that for you now."
"But I don't want it back. I don't want the hope again only to have it stricken from me over and over. I cannot believe again as it hurts too much.
If it happens again, let me go. If I call, please say good-bye and simply hang up.
If it's selfish, I'm sorry, but the pain is too much. I cannot do enough to make the pain go away. I cannot heal enough not to feel the pain.
I want to go home where it's quiet
and tranquil and there is nothing. I want to leave this place for
it isn't a place for gentle spirits.
It has no hug coupons and I need those.
I cannot continue to fight, it's too much.
Please, let me go and plant a crimson rose
for me as my rainbow spirit flies away where a breeze blows and stars shine golden. Love me enough to let me go."
colorless no name..........
Her name is Amber and I met her while working in the mental health field.
She was 22 when we met and she is the most incredibly beautiful young woman you can imagine. She has the natural beauty that isn't found every day and she is totally unaware of it.
We became really close and I must admit I loved mothering her. She loved it as well and we had fun once a week for 2 months.
I have to share this although I'm not sure why.....
hee hee.......... maybe just a woman thingy, eh?
When I arrived to Amber's apartment that first day, her hair was beautifully blonde and I was sure it was her natural color. The next week, when I got there, her hair was black...... and whatever the reason for sharing this, THIS YOUNG WOMAN looked natural in both extremely different colors???????? (Now, go figure, I thought because of a person's skin tone that this was impossilbe........ but found that not to be so.)
..........back on topic
Amber had joined the Army reserves a year and a half before our meeting as the economy was very bad and she had trouble finding a job and keeping an apartment.
Amber had a daughter when she was very young and in order to join the reserves, Amber had to sign away her rights as a mother. (I didn't know whether or not to believe that but after researching it after our last visit, I found it is very prevalent in today's world that young people do this.) Don't get me wrong, I didn't think Amber would lie to me but I just thought it outrageous that it was a requirement.
Amber shared that she was fine with the adoption of her daughter as the couple lived in Scottsdale AZ and could give her a wonderful life.
I noticed on my first visit that Amber had tattoos and I inquired about them. She teared up and shared that she felt compelled to tattoo her young daughter's name every chance she got. She had many tats with her daughter's name and one or two others, if I remember correctly, one was a rose.
On my second visit Amber had on a pair of shorts. There again was a tattoo of her daughter on her leg........... Amber shared that her money had run out for tattoos and she felt compelled to carve her daughter's name into her leg. (The really frightening part was that the baby's name was totally legible and very large.)
I had an extra journal in my car and I gave it to Amber. Little did I know that she would decorate it so beautifully by the next visit. It had wonderful photos of Amber and her daughter. (I was stunned as the journal looked truly as if a professional had done it.) The photos of her daughter and Amber made me totally sad as her child looked like a clone of Amber.
I bought her some pens, glitter and glue and gave her another journal before we finished our sessions. She made some incredible books and she was a genius at crafts.
Amber had been sent to me as a peer as she had been hospitilized in a coma from ODing. She had done terrible damage to her organs and was not expected to live. Upon coming out of the coma, she overheard her mother ask her doctor why he had revived Amber.
I wrote this poem before meeting with Amber but felt it appropriate to dedicate it to her now.
Oh, and BTW, before ODing, Amber had been discharged from the reserves after boot camp with a medical discharge........ she shared with me some of her experiences at boot camp and if I can bear to write about them at a later date, I'll try and share some of those with you all.
When I hear all the horrible stories now that women in the reserves have had to endure I know they are true. 
Excerpt:
Dissociation is a partial or complete disruption of the normal integration of a person’s conscious or psychological functioning.[1] Dissociation can be a response to trauma or drugs and perhaps allows the mind to distance itself from experiences that are too much for the psyche to process at that time.[2] Dissociative disruptions can affect any aspect of a person’s functioning.[3][4][5][6] Although some dissociative disruptions involve amnesia, the vast majority of dissociative events do not.[7] Since dissociations are normally unanticipated, they are typically experienced as startling, autonomous intrusions into the person's usual ways of responding or functioning. Due to their unexpected and largely inexplicable nature, they tend to be quite unsettling.
Different dissociative disorders have different relationships to stress and trauma.[8] Dissociative amnesia and fugue states are often triggered by life stresses that fall far short of trauma.[9][10] Depersonalization disorder is sometimes triggered by trauma, but may be preceded only by stress, psychoactive substances, or no identifiable stress at all.[11]
From my story..........
Olivia hears the soft muffled crying. She gazes down and there is a heap of something right over by the bushes. She sees it move.
Lee is laying in a fetal position and doesn’t hear when Olivia asks, ”Who’s there?”
Olivia edges nearer to Lee, she doesn’t know it’s a person yet but as she gets closer she is starting to recognize the form of a woman. She leans down and tries to uncover the woman. Now, there is constant movement. The person is shivering as if she is freezing.
Olivia softly asks, ”May I help you?”
The body can’t seem to comprehend.
”I have a doctor in the house in the back, should I go get him?”
”NoOooooOoooo, please, I’m OoOoKkkkK.”
”Here then, let me help you up.”
”NO, please just a minute and I’ll get up and leave.”
”You don’t have to leave, just please, let me help you,” Olivia moves closer.
”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” the figure screams when she’s touched.
”Young woman, please do not scream at me. I will not hurt you.”
”Ahhhhh, mmmm, I i I’m sorry, please, just give me a minute. I had a hard time that’s all and I’ll be better in just a minute.”
”Ok then.” Lee stumbles to her feet.
”I’m sorry, may I take a moment, I don’t know how I got here.”
”Well, from the looks of that line in the dirt over there, it looks like you walked here in that blanket.”
”I don’t remember.”
”May I help you into my home?”
”Miss, do I know you?”
”No, I don’t think so.”
”Cal, is that you?”
”Excuse me, my name is Lee.”
”Cal, quit fooling with me, this is Olivia. I’ve seen your picture.”
The woman falls again into a heap. She has passed out or something. Olivia cannot quite figure it out.
”I’m getting Robbie here now”, Olivia whispers to herself.
Olivia calls Rob on the cell phone.
”Robbie, please come to the main house now.”
”I’ll be right there.”
”Yes mi lady?”
”Do you recognize this person?”
”Oh my God, Olivia, it’s Cal.”
”Just what I thought.”
”Robbie, take her into the guest house please.”
Cal’s eyes open and she sees Rob.
”Hey RobbieMi`Robot, what??????”
”Shhhhhhhhhhhh Cal, you’ll be fine.”
”What is going on?”
”Nobody knows at this time, Cal.”
”Cal, who is Lee?” asks Olivia.
”Lee is my middle name but why do you ask?”
”Never mind, my dear, just rest for a bit.”
”Oh my God, oh my God..... I can’t believe it, now I remember.”
”Cal, what do you remember?”
”What did you call me, my name is Lee.”
”Cal, quit that,” Robbie insists.
”Quit what, my name is Lee.”
”What did you remember, Cal?”
”I told you my name - IS NOT CAL, it’s Lee.”
”Ok, what did you remember?”
”What are you talking about?”
”STOP THAT right now!”
”Listen, who ever or what ever you are, You stop it.”
”Do you mind if I rest a bit?”
”Sure, go right ahead.”
Cal lays back on the pillow and soon is sleeping soundly.
”Rob, what do you suppose is going on?” Olivia asks softly.
”I think we should tell the doctor what just happened when he’s finished with
Tomar and have him talk to Cal.”
Tomar and have him talk to Cal.”
”Sounds like a fine idea to me.”
”I’ll go check and see how things are going with him and our lil patient.”
”Ok my son. I’ll stay close here and keep an eye on our visitor.”
...I am changing to first person now as it is how I need to be to get through this part. If I change mid stream it is because I need to in order to relay the information I have to share.
My eyes open and Miss Olivia is standing above me.
”May I ask with whom I am speaking?”
”Hi Ms. Olivia, I’m Cal.”
”Good, do you know where you are.”
”Yes, my short nap gave my brain some time out and now I am ready to share with you.”
”You met Lee, didn’t you?” Cal asks?
”Excuse me young lady, what do you mean, I met you.”
”No, I’m sorry, you met Lee, now let me explain.”
”Humph..... well then explain.”
”It’s a long story Ms. Olivia but I will try and shorten it for you.”
”I had a flash back last night and I relapsed.”
”Let me make this as short as I can so you’ll understand.”
”When I was a child, I was abused and in order to get through it, I became another person. It happens frequently in the mental health community and I have what they call a borderline personality.”
”They are still testing me to see if indeed it is borderline or multiples. I tell them it isn’t multiples as usually I am aware, just not totally me anymore. Well, I guess you know I’m not me at all but the doctors don’t need to know that. As long as I can handle it when I wake up.”
”I see, you’re pulling my leg, right?”
”No no I’m not. I won’t say I wish I were because if that were the case, I probably would not have survived. I become Lee when Cal is in danger.”
”Were you in danger when you ended up here?”
”Are you sure you want to hear this?”
”Yes, my dear, I am very interested.”
”OK, then here goes.”
”When I was a child, I liked to run around naked and I would pose in front of the mirror and I would play like that until my mother caught me. Then she would belittle me and she would spank me and she would tell me I was naughty and ugly. She would say I was bad and I should not look at myself and I should always cover my body.”
”Miss Olivia, I didn’t think I was any of those things. I thought I was pretty and I liked to see my own body and I guess I got very confused. Do you think I am ugly Miss Olivia?”
”My my my Cal, I don’t have an opinion one way or the other.”
”Well, it got worse. After a while, I couldn’t tell if I was pretty, which I thought, or ugly which she thought. I guess that’s when Lee came out. She would tell me I was pretty and she would take my clothes off and she would kiss the mirror and she played like I used to play.”
”One day I woke up on the floor and my clothes were on me all buttoned wrong and I had a big gash in my lip and I had bruises and I hurt.”
”I got up and my mother started yelling at me. I went in the bathroom and threw up and I changed my clothes.”
”I threw up all the time then. I couldn’t eat. I guess Lee would eat because sometimes I would find myself in the bathroom throwing up.”
”My mother and father took me to a special doctor and the doctor made an appointment at the lab to have some tests. I had to return another day and not eat or drink any liquids.”
”I had to drink this awful stuff at the hospital and they took x-rays or something and ran a whole bunch of tests.”
”The doctor told my mother I was allergic to different foods. I think I was allergic to myself.”
”I still threw up. I remember one day, we had watched a movie in school and we had ice cream and as I was walking out the door, I threw up all over myself, I was so embarassed.”
”One other time, I was in the kitchen and when I turned around my mother had a knife in her hand and she was shaking it at me and told me if she caught me one more time naked, she was going to show me. The next thing I knew the knife was flying at me.”
”I guess Lee had been posing again as my hair was in a ponytail and I never wore it that way.”
”Olivia, I think I’m pretty but I don’t know. Sometimes when people compliment me, I get scared. I think maybe they see something that I don’t. I have pictures of myself and I don’t think they are me.”
”So, now, here’s what’s going on, ok? I have someone who wants to meet me and see what I look like. Olivia, I don’t know what I look like. I don’t know if he’ll like me or not because I just don’t know.”
”He is so special to me that I am afraid. I threw up two days ago and now it’s back. Not just that, but Lee keeps coming out too and I’m scared.”
”My dear, please don’t worry. You’re very lovely.”
”You say that and often times I know that but sometimes when I look in the mirror I see my mother. She is glaring at me and she is telling me I am ugly and I should not be looking at myself.”
”To tell you the truth I don’t talk to my doctors about this. I don’t want another medication if I am diagnosed with multiples. I don’t care as long as I’m alone what I look like. I think I’m fine but I really like this man and I don’t want him to think I’m ugly. In my heart, I know I’m not but I don’t even want to address it anymore. I’m tired after all of these years.”
”Hi doc.”
”May I help you Miss Olivia, Robbie said you wanted me to talk to someone.”
”I think we’re fine now, aren’t we Cal?”
”Yes, thank you. I think I’m ok now.”
”Well, I’ll get back to Tomar if you don’t need me. It was nice meeting you, is it Cal?”
”Yes, Cal will do just fine.”
”Olivia, would you mind if I ask for a glass of water? I have to take my medication. Oh, never mind, I must have left them at home.”
”Cal, how did you get here?”
”I’m not sure, Miss Olivia. I think Lee must have been out.”
”I think we’re too far out for you to have walked, let me send Rob out to see if he can find out how you got here. Maybe you drove.”
”Thanks, if I did, and my purse is in the car, my meds will be in it. That will be goodness as I think I need them now.”
”Rob, would you come to the guest house please?”
”Never mind, would you drive around the castle and see if you can find Cal’s car?”
”Do you have any keys on you, Cal?”
”Hmmmmmm, yes, here they are in my pocket. Wow, I am impressed, in the middle of this, I actually brought my keys. I amaze myself sometimes.”
”We found them. Will you take Haley with you to drive it back? Ok, we’ll be here. I think she’s going to take a nap and then maybe if we treat her very nicely, she’ll stay for dinner. She can eat with Tomar and the nurse. I’ll have something made up for them as soon as you get back.”
Port Wines
Port comes from the city of Oporto, in the Duoro Valley of Portugal. Port is always red wine and it's sold in several different styles. Vintage Port - from a single year and best aged for at least a decade, Tawny Port - a blend of ports from several years and aged for as many as 30 years in the cask, and Ruby Port - a crimson colored blend of lesser, younger ports.
No wonder I find myself in mental distress, look at what I found in an ad for Crimson Flight Garnet Necklace. OMG!!! ...cal
WARNING: Attention California residents: This product contains lead, a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm.
Crimson Rose Atrophaneura hector is a large swallowtail butterfly belonging to the subgenus Pachliopta (Roses) of the Red-bodied Swallowtails (genus Atrophaneura).
| Crimson Rose | |
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What is it about hugs that make them so stress-relieving, even when they come from complete strangers? When we’re feeling low, getting a gentle squeeze provides comfort like nothing else. There are even therapeutic practices centered on hugging. When it comes to our health, turns out the best thing we can do is open our arms.
| Free Hugs video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4 |
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All The Same lyricsI dont mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I dont like illusions I cant see
Them clearly
I dont care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I dont mind
I dont care
As long as you're here
[Chorus]
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
Suddenly
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breath you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sick-puppies-lyrics/all-the-same-lyrics.html |]
I dont mind, I dont care
As long as you're here
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same
Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
Its all the same
In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
Its all the same
Go ahead say it
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
As long as you come to me
But I dont like illusions I cant see
Them clearly
I dont care, no I wouldn't dare
To fix the twist in you
You've shown me eventually what you'll do
I dont mind
I dont care
As long as you're here
[Chorus]
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's all the same
Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
Suddenly
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breath you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am
[| From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sick-puppies-lyrics/all-the-same-lyrics.html |]
I dont mind, I dont care
As long as you're here
Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It's always the same
Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
Its all the same
In my life
The compromise
I'll close my eyes
Its all the same
Go ahead say it
You're leaving
You'll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It's all the same
And I'll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It's all the same
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